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Showing posts from 2008

Deja Vu

"The baby looks nothing like me!" yelled Mike from across the room. "You surely slept with someone else! Who did you sleep with? My brother again?! You're a bloody whore! Get out of my house" Silvia came running to me in horror, and crying her eyes out, asked "Why is daddy screaming at me mommy? I was only pretending to be you with a baby doll!”

Girl Power

I entered the hospital with one broken rib, 3 broken fingers, a shattered knee cap, 5 knocked out teeth and a black eye. I was in great pain, but I wasn't going to die from the damage. The doctors were surprised I could get such injuries doing what I was doing. Considering everything, breaking up with Susan had gone a lot better than I actually expected.

Don't Complain About Slow Computers

Living in the countryside had changed my perspective of life. I couldn't take anything for granted there. One morning, the farmer came in with a male sheep and said it was for me to keep. I wasn't immediately sure why he would give me such a thing. How could I explain to him that it wasn't what I meant when I said I needed more RAM?

Pets?

"I'm back from Canada!" I yelled as I walked into my house. "I took care of everything" said Stephen immediately as I walked in, "I watered all the plants and fed all the pets!" "Oh thank you... but what pets are you referring to? I don’t have pets…" I said, confused. "Of course you do!" he said, "Whose are the 4 rats in the kitchen then?"

Irresistible

I found him irresistible. The feeling of his bare flesh against mine was so amazing that I just couldn't control myself. I ecstatically waited for the moment when I could touch my lips to his steaming hot body. He smelled wonderful, I licked him in anticipation. Some religions consider it very wrong to do this, but I can't help it, cannibalism is my one true passion.

Game time

“Get out! Get out now you bloody pervert!!!!” Sarah yelled as her fiancé walked in. “What? I just wanted to congratulate you on your game!” “Leave now!” she yelled again pointing to the door. He couldn’t understand her anger. Why did she want him to leave after finding time to watch her game? Confused and hurt, Jeff quietly walked out of the women's basketball locker room.

Anniversary

He leaned over the table and with his wide glistening eyes, looked at me gently, caressed my hair and kissed me softly. We soon left the restaurant and he started to walk home with me. As I approached the front door, he whispered “let’s not ruin this night with sex”. I’d have been thrilled a guy would say that had he not already been my husband.

Interview

They asked what my philosophy of life was. I explained what I felt… how I believed there is no God… how I thought the yelps of a man in pain were more pleasing than any music… how the struggle of a child in my grasp felt almost orgasmic. They’re reaction wasn’t what I expected. I guess I wasn’t cut out for that babysitter’s position after all.

Argument

I couldn’t believe the argument Benjamin and I were having. I knew my dad wasn’t perfect, but why was he saying such hurtful things about him? “I bet he’d have a blast with Satan” Benjamin continued. I was horrified that he would say such things, so I simply stood up, and made my way to another bench. Dad’s casket could be seen better from there anyway.

Sanitary

Julia always mumbled when she spoke, which is why her boyfriend was confused when she got mad at his misunderstandings. “Sanitary”, she said, followed by a discouraging hand gesture denoting a lack of something. Was he unsanitary? Robert wondered if she meant he lacked hygiene, or if she was discontent about his organization skills. How could he have known she was asking for a sanitary towel?

Need a hand?

Blood had dripped on the floor, questions were being asked, people were being interrogated, but yet, no answers were found. Sammy sat there in silence as the psychiatrist questioned him. The psychiatrist encouraged her mentally challenged patient, “were you the one who cut Peter’s hand off?” Sammy gave a blank look and answered “How else was he going to give me a hand with my homework?”

Captain Jack Harkness

The Daleks gathered round Captain Jack Harkness in amazement. They did not shoot, or try to attack… they just stood there in awe. Captain Jack had an unusually wide smile on his face, which, given the situation, shouldn’t have been there. The Daleks asked him how something like that was possible, but all Jack could say was, “What? Have you never seen a guy naked before?”

Blood Sucker

This incredible bloodlust is going to get me killed. But the want for human blood is just too incredible. I glide through the night and silently pierce unsuspecting human skin, and suck the sweet, warm blood right out of them. It’s my one weakness, but it’s my life. Humans hate my kind and have invented many ways to kill us. Hence the invention of mosquito sprays.

Christmas Eve

Elves were running everywhere screaming. Santa Claus was in panic. Someone had killed Rudolph on Christmas Eve. What more could go wrong? A special vet hurried to try and save him, but they all knew it was hopeless as the vet gave his final nod. But somewhere in the workshop, an Elf wrote in his personal journal how his hat won’t ever be chewed on again.

Sleep Over

Emily’s dog took a strange liking to me in the past 2 days. He followed me around all the time. Emily said it was because he liked the people that usually slept over at her house, but I wasn’t convinced. That night, after I changed into my PJs, I realised the dog stopped following me. Turns out, he only liked the chocolate I accidentally sat on.

Thief

I quickly jumped out of bed, grabbed a crowbar, and trying not to wake my tired husband, left to investigate the crashing sound I heard. A dark silhouette could be seen pillaging the miniature statue collection, which were anniversary gifts from my husband. The robber jolted at my sight, so taking the opportunity I whispered, "If you take the whole collection, I promise not to scream"

The Emperor's cat

./l、 (゚、 。 7 .l、 ~ヽ .じしf_,)ノ The imperial guards feared the Emperor would be furious, as they told him the news of his favorite cat's death. Having killed the cat themselves by accident didn't help much either. They explained its death, adding hilarity and trying to rid the obvious blame off themselves. The Emperor laughed hysterically at the news. He also enjoyed sitting in his new one of a kind Imperial-guard-skin chair.